; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
