Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
