I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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