I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
