If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
