That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
