I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My ass is underappreciated
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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