ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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