if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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