i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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