Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize