my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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