Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
