you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
