ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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