The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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