Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
