Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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