do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
