Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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