I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
