hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
