My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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