the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
