i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
