I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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