my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
