I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
