just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I smell like Dick and happiness
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