i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
