i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i just sent this text using only my big toe
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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