Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Alive.
So much puke
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
