That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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