why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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