And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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