my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
