I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How does one acquire holy water?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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