the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
