I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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