Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
