i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
