I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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