I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My first STD was from a foam party
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
