i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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