You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize