There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
