careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
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