You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Pooping to opera.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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