it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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