her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
