The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
