If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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