Who wears a wallet chain?!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
