So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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