I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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