Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
