The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
