I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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