you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
