You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
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