If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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