i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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